Conversations in a Jeffries Tube
by Avelynn Tame
Summary: Just my own peculiar brand of humour, TripandT'Pol style. Apologies for general rubbishness this was a first try.


Disclaimer: Don't own 'em, never have, never will. Sniff.  
  
Author's Notes: OK, my apologies if the whole 'tush' thing came from another fic as well. It sounded familiar, but it also sounded right for this particular fanfic, so I borrowed it. Again, my apologies if someone else used it first. E-mail me and I'll stick your name in here.  
  
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"Look, it's Vulcan piece of technology, OK? That's the only reason you're here, so just cut the criticisms and help me out."  
  
"There's no need to get emotional."  
  
"You think this is emotional? Keep it up and you'll experience the full meanin' of emotional, Trip-Tucker style."  
  
"I hardly think threats will serve a purpose, Commander Tucker."  
  
"Just a little spot of sunshine on a pretty bleak horizon, darlin'."  
  
"That's the wrong relay."  
  
"Wha-? Oh. Right."  
  
Silence.  
  
"Commander Tucker, what is a 'tush'?"  
  
Clatter.  
  
"Are you alright, Commander? You look pale."  
  
"I-I'm fine. Just fine. A tush?"  
  
"Yes. What is it?"  
  
"Um... well, it's not really something you talk about in polite company."  
  
"Are not Lieutentant Reed and Ensign Mayweather polite company?"  
  
"Well, I guess it depends. What exactly did they say?"  
  
"They said that my tush was nice. Why are you laughing? Is it supposed to be a humourous remark?"  
  
"Not in your case."  
  
"I don't understand."  
  
"Never mind. A tush..."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Are you sure you wanna know, T'Pol? I mean, you'll only end up criticising it as being such a petty human thing anyway, and it's not exactly interesting-"  
  
"Commander, how would you like to be charged with withholding information from a superior officer?"  
  
"Aw, an' I thought you said threats wouldn't serve a purpose, darlin'."  
  
"It is not a threat. It is an ultimatum."  
  
"Potato, potahto."  
  
"I beg your pardon?"  
  
"Nuthin'. A tush is.... well, it's hard to say without seeming rude. I guess in medical terms you'd call it a posterior."  
  
Silence.  
  
"T'Pol?"  
  
"Why do humans comment on each other's posteriors?"  
  
"Um... well, they don't. Not usually, anyway. Sometimes, a ... a human will comment on another human's posterior, but not to their face - to another human. If I'm making sense."  
  
"Is there a point to it? Wrong relay, Commander."  
  
"Dammit! Why didn't you make these things easier to navigate? There isn't really a point, except that it's kind of a compliment."  
  
"If the subject of the compliment doesn't hear it, what's the point of making it?"  
  
"(sigh) It's not usually a compliment that you give directly *to* someone. Can't you ask simpler things in future? This is weird."  
  
"So, when Lieutenant Reed said to Ensign Mayweather that my 'tush' was nice, he was paying me a compliment, yet he did not intend me to hear it?"  
  
"Got it in one, sweetheart. Pass that connector?"  
  
"Is it possible for women to make this kind of comment, or just men?"  
  
"Sure, women can make it. Kinda nice if they do, you know what I mean? Or... maybe... you don't."  
  
"So, I could for example say to Ensign Mayweather, "Commander Tucker has a nice tush"?"  
  
"Uhh..."  
  
"Is this funny?"  
  
"(stifling laughter) N-no. Not at all."  
  
"What is so amusing, Commander?"  
  
"Do you think I have a nice tush?"  
  
"That depends. What constitutes a nice tush?"  
  
"Well, that depends on yuor personal preference. I'm assuming you do have one."  
  
"Not particularly."  
  
"Sub-commander, am I to gather that Vulcans don't hold opinions on the appearance of others?"  
  
"On the contrary, we have many opinions. However, a tush does not feature often in conversation."  
  
"Ooo-kay. Well, how about attraction? Usually, where humans are concerned, attraction is based on appearance. It *shouldn't* be, but it is. A tush can be regarded as very important when deciding how physically attractive someone is."  
  
"Then, size and shape is an issue?"  
  
"Yup. Look at mine."  
  
"Commander Tucker, I do not appreciate you bending over in order to display your... tush. It is most inappropriate."  
  
"Oh, lighten up. So whaddya think?"  
  
"It is... not very large. Relatively flat, in fact. Am I supposed to be looking for something in particular?"  
  
"Kinda. See, some people have good muscle structure in their tushes. You can tell, cos it's all tight, like mine. See?"  
  
"Humans assess their potential partners by looking at the tightness of their tushes? This was not in the Vulcan database."  
  
"Nah - that database is sure missing a lot. I'll have to update it sometime."  
  
"I'm sure the Vulcan High Council would be very... pleased."  
  
"Why, Sub-commander, was that *sarcasm* I just heard?"  
  
"Vulcans are not completely devoid of humour, Commander."  
  
"Really? Coulda fooled me. Mind if I take a look?"  
  
"At what?"  
  
"Your tush, of course. You've seen mine."  
  
"Absolutely not. It is... undignified."  
  
"T'Pol, I can see it any time you get up from that little workstation of yours. In fact, I do see it, several times a day. I wait for it to come round the corner. One day I'm gonna throw something at it."  
  
"Commander, am I to deduce that not only do you lie in wait for my tush, but that you are also plotting to injure it?"  
  
"T'Pol, I'm kiddin'. Although, you really do have a nice tush."  
  
"Thank you.... I think."  
  
Silence.  
  
"Commander Tucker?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Would I be correct in assuming, then, that women comment amongst other women about men's tushes, and men comment amongst other men about women's tushes?"  
  
"*Now* you're catching on. Soon we'll have you flirting like nuthin' else."  
  
"Flirting - sexual innuendo between a man and a woman? I am not sure I want any part of that."  
  
"Oh, come on, T'Pol, it'll be fun."  
  
"I am not familiar with this 'fun'."  
  
"Wha-? T'Pol, you've got to be kidding me!"  
  
"Indeed I am."  
  
"Huh? Oh, screw this!"  
  
Silence.  
  
"Commander Tucker, I was under the impression that 'screw' was slang for se-"  
  
"Yeah, yeah, it is."  
  
"Then why did you just kiss me?"  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"You said 'screw this'. Does that not imply that we should be... screwing?"  
  
Silence.  
  
******************************  
  
Captain Archer was beginning to get worried. His sub-commander and chief engineer had vanished into the Jeffries tubes three hours ago to make repairs. They were now failing to respond to any attempts to communicate, and he had resorted to patrolling the ship in the hopes of finding them. Sensors were malfunctioning, so he couldn't locate them in that way. In fact, it was almost ironic - he needed his chief engineer to fix the sensors so he could find his chief engineer, but since he couldn't find his chief engineer in the first place, he couldn't fix the sensors and so couldn't find the chief engineer.  
  
Being a captain was hard work.  
  
He already had Hoshi on the loose, and a team of vastly inferior engineers were working on the sensors, but so far, neither were having any luck, and much the same could be said for him.  
  
Their quarters were empty, he'd checked those first, and now he was patrolling the lower decks. Suddenly, he found himself on the receiving end of a transmission from Hoshi. She sounded very... disturbed, perhaps? Something was definitely wrong.  
  
"H-Hoshi to the Captain."  
  
He slouched over to a comm panel on the wall. "Archer here, go ahead."  
  
"Um... I found them, sir."  
  
"Oh, good, good. Where were they?"  
  
"In the... the, uh, Jeffries tubes."  
  
"Something wrong, Hoshi?"  
  
"Uh...well, nothing *really* wrong, sir, no."  
  
This was odd. Flustered. That's how she sounded. Flustered.  
  
"Are you sure, Ensign?"  
  
"Yes, sir."  
  
"Well, when can we expect them back?"  
  
"Uh... well, not for a while, sir, I'm afraid."  
  
"And why's that? Don't tell me they're *still* fixing relays after all this time."  
  
"Oh - yeah! Yeah, that's what they're doing. Fixing relays. Still fixing... relays."  
  
Archer frowned. There was something incredibly fishy about this, and he wanted to find out what it was. "Ensign, where are you?"  
  
"Me, sir? In...in the Jeffries tubes."  
  
"OK. Stay there. Archer out."  
  
His problem, however, was that Hoshi would undoubtedly be gone by the time he got there, and would later say she'd been called away urgently. She was obviously hiding something... probably the bodies of his commander and sub-commander, if their tempers were anything to go by.  
  
How little he knew.  
  
******************************  
  
Hoshi was indeed hiding the bodies of Tucker and T'Pol, although they weren't so much dead bodies as hot, sweaty, naked bodies which just so happened to be writhing around on the floor of the Jeffries tubes. That was *not* an image she wanted to keep, ever.  
  
So when the Captain turned up just as she was making her escape from the tubes, she had more than one reason to be worried. "Hoshi," he stated pleasantly, "you wouldn't be leaving, now, would you?"  
  
"Me? Uh, no sir. Definitely not."  
  
"Good." He smiled, "So where are our two missing persons, then?"  
  
Hoshi made a vague gesture with one hand, and attempted to stifle the panicked squeak that was rising from her throat with the other. It didn't work.  
  
"Something wrong?" Archer asked, for the second time in an hour.  
  
"No, Captain, but you know, I am a bit queasy. Could I go and get some fresh air?"  
  
"We're on a starship. None of this air is fresh air."  
  
"Um... a drink, then?"  
  
"No. Not until you tell me what's going on."  
  
"Sir... I don't think you want to know."  
  
Whether he wanted to know or not turned out to be a moot point, because at that precise moment, a scream echoed down the tubes. From the expression on his face, Hoshi knew that Archer had figured it out. And he wasn't pleased. "They are in *so* much trouble--" he began, when Hoshi cut him off.  
  
"Sir... don't you think we should leave them for a while? Apparently Vulcans are known for their... endurance skills."  
  
Archer winced. Wonderful. Just wonderful.  
  
"And it's not exactly forbidden, is it?" Hoshi continued.  
  
He turned to leave. "No," he conceded, without looking back, "but they'd better take it to his quarters in future."  
  
"Why's that, sir?"  
  
"Because hers are right next to mine."  
  
~Finis~ 


End file.
